#126: Do Not Audition for the Sarah Palin Porn Film

You think I made this up? I WISH I were that creative. No, according to 23/6, porn filmmakers actually put out a casting call for Sarah Palin lookalikes, so the film may be coming to a dirty website near you by Election Day.

I suppose I should find it cheering that the porn industry wants to make a film about a woman over 40, kind of like I know it’s supposed to be a compliment when someone calls you a MILF, which absolutely DID HAPPEN to me, and not all that long ago either. I also would enjoy watching Palin, whom I find terrifying and loathsome, get screwed, though the ad did specify “no anal.”

However, my duty here is to tell you how not to act old, and this cattle call is sure to summon every actress who’s been around since the heyday of Linda Lovelace. You can’t fall into that trap, not even if you’ve already got your updo, your square glasses, and your lipliner tattoo. And guys, when they advertise for the John McCain, Joe Biden, George Bush, and Dick Cheney (not to mention Barack Obama) lookalike roles, I don’t want to catch you on that casting couch either.

#120: Neutralize Your Crazy Old Sperm

Yes, John McCain, I’m talking to you. Lest you and Cindy decide that a fifth child would provide, ala Palin, a political advantage, I direct your attention to this new study that shows that children of fathers over 55 are more likely to develop bipolar disorder and other mental illnesses. Maternal age, I hasten to point out to all you guys out there who try to blame women for everything, was not a factor.

Finally, a solid reason — beyond, you know, imminent decay and death — for older guys to put some limits on how long they go around spraying out babies. Why anyone would want to make it through the enormous job of raising a family only to go out and raise another one is totally beyond me, unless you’re the kind of guy who wasn’t much involved in raising the first batch of kids and won’t do much about raising the second or third batches either.

Of course, you might believe that your sperm, mutant as it is, still deserves to flourish wherever it finds purchase. If so, I’d appreciate it if you’d go around singing this Monty Python song, if only to give women warning.