Tag Archives: waxing

#30: Stop Using Email

Leave it to the evil young to get all of us alter kockers addicted to email, and then to abandon the form in favor of texting and facebook. Like waxing, email is proving to be one of the Great Age Divides. Old people can’t figure out why anyone would text, IM, or facebook (wait: is that a verb?) instead of email: How do you type with your thumbs? Why would you want everyone to read your posts? And young people hate emailing because it’s…..old.

Well, I don’t care if email is old: I can’t stop using it. That’s right, I’m addicted to it, just like I am to dark chocolate and nitrous oxide. I joined all those other services and now I don’t know what to do with them or on them or however you say it. So if you want to get in touch with me, send me an email at hownottoactold@gmail.com.

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#14: Don’t Fear The Waxer

Listen, you can have all the best work in the world done. You can get botoxed and Restalyned till you’re smooth as a balloon; you can have your boobs lifted to your chin and your tummy tucked into your backbone.

But if you don’t wax down there, anybody who gets close enough is going to know you’re old.

Waxing is one of the great divides between young and older women. We came of age feeling it was sacrilegious to so much as pluck one hair. They decided to shear most of it off. And even when we thought maybe we’d surprise our husbands for our 20th anniversary, we were nervous. We saw The 40-Year-Old Virgin, after all. We knew it was going to hurt, plus be embarrassing, plus who knew what kind of diseases you might pick up.

If you’re a Waxing Virgin, don’t be afraid. It’s not that bad. And the alternative is even worse: Old below the belt.

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