#135: Don’t Forward Emails Like This To All Your Girlfriends

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I’ve used it all of my married life, as my mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my forties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were inconclusive and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.

Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

Wait, I said, don’t……DON’T…… Aw,  you couldn’t resist, could you?

#30: Stop Using Email

Leave it to the evil young to get all of us alter kockers addicted to email, and then to abandon the form in favor of texting and facebook. Like waxing, email is proving to be one of the Great Age Divides. Old people can’t figure out why anyone would text, IM, or facebook (wait: is that a verb?) instead of email: How do you type with your thumbs? Why would you want everyone to read your posts? And young people hate emailing because it’s…..old.

Well, I don’t care if email is old: I can’t stop using it. That’s right, I’m addicted to it, just like I am to dark chocolate and nitrous oxide. I joined all those other services and now I don’t know what to do with them or on them or however you say it. So if you want to get in touch with me, send me an email at hownottoactold@gmail.com.

#4: Don’t Admit You’re Befuddled By Twitter, TiVo, Texting — Most of Technology

Sure, it’s baffling. Of course, those mushrooming applications like Digg and Reddit and Facebook and LinkedIn and Twitter are overwhelming. In fact, I sometimes suspect that half those things are not real but a plot by people under 35 to drive us insane.

But the important thing is not to admit how overwhelmed you are. “I don’t understand why anyone would use Facebook instead of email” or “We still don’t know how to work the TiVo” are things you must not say publicly.

Just quietly hire a 14-year-old boy as your tech consultant. Or act as if you’re above the whole technology tsunami — You’re so cool, you’re unGoogleable! — rather than swamped by it. Use it, or don’t use it. But don’t act like it’s cute to be befuddled by it.