Monthly Archives: October 2008

#132: LOL, Don’t Lust At The Palin Porn Video

I saw the first minute of Who’s Nailin’ Paylin this morning on the home page of The Daily Beast and I was so tickled I couldn’t resist posting a version of my very own, especially since “Sarah Palin MILF” seems to be one of the main search terms that drives people to HNTAO.  I can only imagine how disappointed they must be to find me.  Go to the Beast today too for the amazing story of the lost tapes of Madonna, another iconic over-40 woman I love to hate and vice versa.

More fodder for Palinphobics: The hilarious new photoshop book Terminatrix: The Sarah Palin Chronicles, featuring SP as Joan of Arc, Betsy Ross and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Okay, here’s XXX Sarah…..ooops, “Sara”:

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#131: Try Not To Be So Chic

My fashionista daughter in Paris forwarded me a link to Advanced Style, a blog on chic into one’s golden years, or silver years, or wizened years, or something.

Thanks for thinking of me and HNTAO, sweetie, though I’m not sure whether to be flattered or insulted by the viewpoint of this blog.  On the one hand, gee, it’s nice when someone, anyone, notices that people over 40ish exist, much less applauds them for their superior style. When that applause is public and coming from the Evil Young, it’s truly a breakthrough event.

And yet, do I detect a whiff of patronization here? A hint of: Yeah, those silver-headed wizened people, they’ve got individual style, sometimes even chic, but they’re not truly hot and cool like us.

I was disappointed not to find a single person on the blog who I aspired to dress like, though I’m always on the lookout for old people style role models.  The best one I ever found was an ancient Asian man I spotted on a beach in California, wearing a straw hat, a white shirt, black pants, and brown sandals.  Now that’s authentic and eternal chic.


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Why Are You Here?

I created this poll basically because WordPress just added this capability, and in the interest of Not Acting Old I have to immediately adopt all new technology and show off my blogging wizardry. Plus, it was really fun to try and drill down to the meaning of life, or at least the meaning of why people visit How Not To Act Old. Vote early and, well, not often, because the program won’t let you do that.

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#130: Don’t Try To Be Thin As Twiggy

At 13, I aspired have a figure like Twiggy’s — and I wasn’t far off, either. Twiggy and I were both built like, well, twigs, and keeping that thin was disgustingly effortless.

Well, things have changed, and even Twiggy isn’t immune from middle-aged spread. She limits her diet to one chocolate square at a time, she says, and “one pudding a month” or risks bloating up like every other over-40.

There goes the myth of the naturally thin person who stays that way forever. If even Twiggy porks up, what hope is there for the rest of us?

Extra non-diet tip: Don’t reference Twiggy in relation to thinness, weight loss, or modeling. Young people won’t have any idea who you’re talking about. Kate Moss, maybe. Doutzen or Agyness (born Laura) Deyn: Now you’re talking.


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#129: Do Not Attack Any Stars of High School Musical 3

I know that none of my readers are that middle-aged guy who attacked Zac Efron, star of High School Musical 3 (and also, reportedly, 1 and 2). I’m sure that you would never do anything like that, no matter how badly you might want to.

All of you know that beating up rich, famous young people is wrong, no matter how annoying they may be. Yes, even when they totally deserve it, even when they out and out provoke you, like Kenley has been doing every freaking Wednesday night on Project Runway for how many weeks now? I mean, that voice! Those hair baubles! That whine! Could you just strangle her, or what?

Whew. Calm down, Pam. Deep breathing. She doesn’t deserve to die, just because she feels so totally sorry for herself even though she’s young and thin and pretty and is going to Bryant Park instead of much more talented and deserving contestants such as Jerrell. But if she wins next week, I may not be able to keep myself from lunging at the screen.

In case you’re yearning for a masochistic fix, check out Kenley’s audition video.

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#128: Step Away From The Giant Pumpkin

This morning’s Today Show brings news of Steve Connolly (that’s NOT him, by the way, in the picture), a 53-year old Rhode Island manufacturing engineer who thinks he might have grown the world’s largest pumpkin, at 1900 pounds. Connolly calls competitive pumpkin-growing “just middle-aged guys having fun.”

Until about eight minutes ago, I didn’t know that competitive pumpkin-growing even existed. I figured I’d google “giant pumpkin,” this guy Connolly would pop up, and that would be the end of it. But now I know that the “giant pumpkin community” spans the globe, that it’s supported by dozens of sites detailing everything from giant pumpkin growing techniques to the doings of the annual convention, and that indeed most giant pumpkin enthusiasts seem to be men in their fifties.

I guess this is what happens when the kids are grown, the mortgage is paid off, and you’ve decided not to get a dog or a divorce. Everything else has been scratched off your life list, and what’s left? I guess instead of having an affair, leaving you, or getting hair plugs, I’ll just try to grow a pumpkin as big as a fucking house, honey. Don’t wait up.

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#127: Do A Web Startup…..I Mean, Don’t Do A Web Startup…..I Mean, Do A…..Oh, Never Mind. Just Go Read The Daily Beast

Forget your stock market panic, repress your Palin-phobia, and reawaken your lust for life by discovering The Daily Beast, Tina Brown’s big new web site that launched today. What’s so thrilling? Besides being a gorgeous site with an amazing array of talent behind it (hi, Henry; hi, Bonnie), the most heartening aspect of the whole thing is that Tina is just about my astral twin and she’s launching this ambitious new venture online.

Tina (yes, we’re on a first-name basis: mwah!, mwah!) tackles the age issue head-on in her Q & A:

Q: When you were born, the smallest computer was the size of a subway car. Aren’t you a little old to be doing a web startup?

A: Yeah, I’m a real dinosaur. Dinosaurs are big, though. Maybe another reason to call it The Daily Beast.

So maybe it’s acting old to do a web startup? Or maybe it’s not acting old? Or maybe it’s just doing whatever the hell you want to do, age be damned, which is as religious as you’ll ever hear me get. At any rate: Yay, Tina! Yay, Daily Beast!

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#126: Do Not Audition for the Sarah Palin Porn Film

You think I made this up? I WISH I were that creative. No, according to 23/6, porn filmmakers actually put out a casting call for Sarah Palin lookalikes, so the film may be coming to a dirty website near you by Election Day.

I suppose I should find it cheering that the porn industry wants to make a film about a woman over 40, kind of like I know it’s supposed to be a compliment when someone calls you a MILF, which absolutely DID HAPPEN to me, and not all that long ago either. I also would enjoy watching Palin, whom I find terrifying and loathsome, get screwed, though the ad did specify “no anal.”

However, my duty here is to tell you how not to act old, and this cattle call is sure to summon every actress who’s been around since the heyday of Linda Lovelace. You can’t fall into that trap, not even if you’ve already got your updo, your square glasses, and your lipliner tattoo. And guys, when they advertise for the John McCain, Joe Biden, George Bush, and Dick Cheney (not to mention Barack Obama) lookalike roles, I don’t want to catch you on that casting couch either.

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