Tag Archives: bra

#93: Stop Covering Up Your Underwear!

Confused about whether you’re old or not? Here’s a little quiz to help you find out.

If someone says it’s “snowing down south,” they’re trying to tell you:

a) A shipment of cocaine has just arrived on the south side of town.

b) Alabama is having some hella freaky weather.

c) Your slip is showing.

If you answered a, you obviously are living too wild a life to be spending any time sitting around reading this blog. If you answered b, you’re a moron. And if you answered c, yes, dearie, I’m afraid you’re old. Score double points if you own a slip, and TRIPLE points if you actually wear one.

My point, and I do have one: Underwear has entered a new era. These days, if it is worn at all, underwear is not necessarily worn UNDER anything. In fact, if you want to get all young about it, you should actually TRY to leave your bra straps hanging out from the armholes of your shirt, to let your pants ride down below your boxers, to make your slip totally show beneath your skirt.

We probably have Madonna to blame for making underwear the new outerwear. I actually remember how scandalous her bustiers-as-blouses and brazen black bra straps seemed back in the 80s. That was before little celeb sisters Paris and Britney scandalized us further by wearing no underwear at all.

Please, let’s not go there. For now, at the height of summer, it’s enough to stop worrying about your bra peeking out of your tank top and your boxers popping out of your shorts. And if someone tells you it’s snowing down south, just say thank you.

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#52: No Bras The Size of Wyoming

As the years advance, we full-figured gals have a, ahem, weighty challenge ahead of us. How to hoist the girls as high as possible without resorting to a bra the size of Wyoming?

The answer, as with so many things, is money. Any bra that’s going to do its considerable job and still look feminine, attractive, young, is going to set you back at least as much as you just spent on sneakers for your teenager. You’re going to have to go to a fancy lingerie department to buy it, and even be fitted by a trained professional brandishing a tape measure. (BTW, for those of you who don’t know, that’s John Currin’s wonderful painting The Bra Shop above left.)

Let’s just quickly run over the elements your bra can NOT have. No elastic thick and strong enough to support a bungee jumper. No more than two — or in extreme cases, three — hooks in back. No cups so capacious they totally rule out the possibility of cleavage. No quadriboob; no backfat.

At the same time, your bra needs to lift, separate, streamline, steady, and smooth. Impossible? No. Expensive but worth it: absolutely.

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