Tag Archives: lust

#31: Don’t Lust After The Lifeguard

When you were 13, you had the hugest crush on the lifeguard, who totally ignored you. Then, when you were 19 or 23, the lifeguard may have lusted after you, but you decided he or she was too immature to warrant your attention. When you were 35, you were too busy making sure the kids didn’t drown to notice.

It’s only now that you’re able to fully appreciate the lifeguard’s virtues, and to fantasize that maybe he or she appreciates yours in return. This is the point at which you have to imagine me slapping you across the face and crying, “Snap out of it!” And that directive isn’t even allowing for the possibility that the lifeguard is a minor.

Unless we’re talking about the world’s Oldest Living Lifeguard — you know, the guy whose skin is so weathered you could make a purse out of it — the lifeguard is too young for you.

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#10: Don’t Lust After Paul McCartney

Sigh. I know, I know. I used to love Paul too. I lay on my bed with the radio pressed to my ear, singing along to “I Want To Hold Your Hand.” Wooo! I wrote Paul a letter trying to persuade him that the difference in our ages and circumstances wouldn’t and shouldn’t stand in the way of our love. And when Linda died, I was sad, but also, my heart rose in hope, just a little bit.

I still kinda think Paul is cute, jowls and all, but admitting you think so will get you branded as old. Why? Because, as my daughter says, Paul McCartney is “crusty.” Ew. Some male movie stars — think Sean Connery — can hold onto their sex appeal seemingly forever, but poor Paul doesn’t seem to be one of them.

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