#71: Never Admit You Hated “The Dark Knight”

Like most other Americans last weekend, I went to see The Dark Knight, aka the new Batman movie.

Here was my experience of watching the film:

Wow, Heath Ledger really does look weird. Scary. And yet strangely…comical. Those wrinkles under that makeup. That lizard tongue. And that voice, that accent, he sounds like someone, I can’t quite place it….

I wonder how Christian Bale gets so hunky and then so skinny over and over again. What kind of diet does he go on? What’s his training regime? I wonder whether that would work for me….

And speaking of thin, Maggie Gyllenhaal looks pretty good. But is she suposed to be the same exact character that Katie Holmes was in the last movie? If Batman’s so powerful, how come he doesn’t notice she’s a different person?

Why is that Chinese guy taking all the money to China? And why is Batman going to China to get it back? Why does he care about the bad guys’ money? I’m a little confused though I’m sure it will all come clear.

Heath Ledger’s voice. It sounds kind of Midwestern, kind of effeminate. Maybe someone who used to be on TV….

So is Morgan Freeman God? Are he and Michael Caine kind of the same person? Are all old guys in movies wise but deferential supporters of young guys? Should I blog about that?

Oh no, I’m really not following this. Maybe if I stop thinking about How Not To Act Old, I’ll pick up the thread.

Why, whenever I hear Heath Ledger’s voice, do I think of Carol Burnett?

Is Maggie Gyllenhaal dead or alive? Is Gary Oldman honest or corrupt? Is Aaron Eckhart tall or short? Is Gotham City supposed to be New York or Chicago? And who the hell are those people on that boat?

On the movie, I totally give up. But Heath’s voice, I’ve got it! He sounds just like this campy gay actor who was on Carol Burnett and then on Hollywood Squares, Paul somebody, Paul Paul Paul: Paul Lynde!

I was relieved, when I came out of the movie, to find that my husband had had the same experience. But when we got home and told our 18-year-old son about it, he looked at us like he wanted to take us out behind the garage and put us down now, before we crumbled into dust all on our own.

The Dark Knight is a highly revered film, he told us, with “an 82 metascore.” The most esteemed critics on the planet were calling it a masterpiece and Heath Ledger’s performance legendary. Plus, Heath Ledger’s tragic life and early death have put him above criticism, and definitely above ridicule. So obviously we were wrong, due to being hopelessly out of it.

The lesson: Don’t admit to any young people of your acquaintance that you are baffled by or hate The Dark Knight. But just between us, on the Paul Lynde thing: Am I right or what?

#63: Never Admit You Have No Freaking Clue Who Leighton, Cuttino, Rihanna, Jensen, Dane or Feist Are

Admit it: They all swim together, these strangely-named, androgynous-sounding, ethnically-ambiguous young stars of film, television, music, and sports. Is Leighton male, female, or both? Is Cuttino America’s Next Top Model and Feist the frisky young soccer player? Is Jensen a member of a brother band while Dane is embroiled in babymamadrama? Or vice versa, or none or all of the above?

Quiz time!

Match the photos below with the appropriate names.

1 2 3

4 5 6

a. Leighton b. Cuttino c. Feist d. Dane e. Rihanna f. Jensen

Okay, now let’s make it a little harder. Match the names above to the person’s other name. And yes, this is a trick question because, in a couple of cases, the person in question uses their last name as a first (or an only). Here are the other names:

Robyn, Ackles, Meester, Mobley, Leslie, Cook

And now, since you’re so smart, match the names and the pictures to the possible occupations:

Supernatural soap star, Standup comedian, Gossip Girl, Canadian folksinger, Barbadian pop singer, Los Angeles Clipper

And the answers are:

1. Leslie Feist, who goes by her last name only, is a Canadian folksinger best known for her song “1234” in the Apple commercial.

2. Robyn Rihanna, who also goes by her last name only, is a Barbadian pop singer and Grammy winner who looks amazing in sparkly dresses.

3. Dane Cook is a standup comic and star of movies so dumb you’d only see them in a desperate and probably unsuccessful attempt to bond with your 15-year-old son.

4. Cuttino Mobley is a Los Angeles Clipper, which reportedly means he plays professional basketball.

5. Jensen Ackles is a former soap star who’s now in a television show called Supernatural, which I’ve never heard of either.

6. Leighton Meester is one of the stars of Gossip Girl, a show which your teenager undoubtedly loves because the characters as much (more!) money and sex as adults, with none of the icky responsibility. Enjoy!

#50: No, That Was Not Mary-Kate and Olsen You Saw On The Number 66 Bus

First off, it’s Mary-Kate and Ashley. Secondly, you can too tell them apart. Mary-Kate is a little shorter, skinnier, darker-haired and all-over pointier: that’s her on the right in the photo. And if that still isn’t clear, in breaking news Spencer Pratt told UsWeekly that Mary-Kate is “the less cute twin.”

The Olsen twins, for those who spent the past few decades on the planet Xebo, jointly played the baby on Full House and went on to become billionaires by doing something visible only to 11-year-old girls. And while they certainly seem to be everywhere, everywhere does not include your suburban commuter bus. Nor did you see one or both of them in your local pizza parlor (they subsist on air) or trying on shoes in Sports Authority.

Faux-sightings of vaguely-familiar baby celebrities is a common failing of the old. Yes, they all look alike. But that young, sweet, too-thin girl you saw on your local commuter bus was just the waif next door.

#46: Stop Hoping Lauren Conrad Will Just Go Away

If you’re wondering who Lauren Conrad is, you’re worse off than I thought. Or better off: It might be preferable to live in blissful ignorance of Lauren, Heidi, Audrina, Spencer, and Brody (huh? who?) than to suffer the weekly — nay, daily, hourly — torture of wondering why Lauren et al are famous and when they’re just going to go away.

Never, that’s when. And yes, Lauren and her friends are richer than you, they’re treated more nicely, they get way more free goodies and fabulous job offers and they most certainly get lots more sex and love too. Of course it’s not fair, naturally you deserve it more, but hoping the world will see the error of its ways and turn its attention from them to you is just, well, immature.

My recommendation: Start watching The Hills (that’s the show whose dramatic arc follows the real breaking of Lauren’s real-life nail). While you’re at it, catch up on your Gossip Girl, which is The Wire by comparison. It may not be good for your soul, but it is good entertainment.

#36: Enough With The Seinfeld, Already!

Maybe you faithfully sat in front of the TV every Thursday night (remember those pre-TiVo days?) for Seinfeld‘s entire first run. Maybe you still catch the syndicated shows nearly every night, just like your parents watch The Nightly News and your kids watch The Simpsons. Maybe you’ve gotten the boxed sets as gifts for every occasion over the past few years. And maybe you can genuinely relate nearly everything that happens in your life to a Seinfeld episode.

But listen, the real-life Jerry has moved on. He’s got a young wife, little kids, a struggling new career as a voice-over actor: When you’ve got that much money, you can buy yourself a twenty-years-younger life. Larry David has moved on with his new family, the Blacks. All the other Seinfeld players have moved on, with shows and futures of their own. OK, most of them.

Before you move on, too, though, I want you to know that the Pam, Pam, Pam episode — aka The Soul Mate, written by Peter Mehlman — is about me, me, me.