#130: Don’t Try To Be Thin As Twiggy

At 13, I aspired have a figure like Twiggy’s — and I wasn’t far off, either. Twiggy and I were both built like, well, twigs, and keeping that thin was disgustingly effortless.

Well, things have changed, and even Twiggy isn’t immune from middle-aged spread. She limits her diet to one chocolate square at a time, she says, and “one pudding a month” or risks bloating up like every other over-40.

There goes the myth of the naturally thin person who stays that way forever. If even Twiggy porks up, what hope is there for the rest of us?

Extra non-diet tip: Don’t reference Twiggy in relation to thinness, weight loss, or modeling. Young people won’t have any idea who you’re talking about. Kate Moss, maybe. Doutzen or Agyness (born Laura) Deyn: Now you’re talking.

#51: Don’t Go Thinking This Is Normal

Do you remember the first time you saw a naked old person? There you were, all young and smooth-skinned and tight-bodied, thinking that was normal because you looked like everybody on TV. And then there was the shock of how different the old person looked: big gut, droopy boobs, wobbly butt, ewwww.

Except now that you’re the wobbly, droopy old person, it’s all too easy to start thinking you look normal. Everybody’s stomach sticks out like that! All thighs come packed with cellulite, everyone has a fupa.

Except they don’t. I’m not saying your body has to look like a 28-year-old’s; I’m just asking that you be realistic about the changes time has wrought. And please, at the beach this summer, don’t subject me to that gut flopping over a Speedo.

#29: Get Off the Eternal Diet

I hate to say it, but I tend to be like this: perennially on a diet. Rarely at the weight I want to stay. Tedious, frustrating, and old old old.

Why old? Because it lacks the can-do spirit evidenced by the younger generation of women. That Better-Body-After-Baby ideal, that Biggest Loser mentality. It was our mothers and their friends who were always trudging to Weight Watchers yet never quite managing to be thin.

Of course, if you’re not always on a diet, you might get fat. But at least you won’t be so old.