Monthly Archives: September 2008

#119: Don’t Use The Republicans To Make Your Own Sorry Self Feel Cool

I’m sitting here watching the Republican National Convention feeling all proud of my own badass self. Jeez, I would never wear a dorky yellow cowboy hat like that, I think, or one of those tacky red blazers. I am waaaaaaay thinner than nearly everybody there except Sarah Palin, Cindy McCain, and Anderson Cooper. And I can outdance anybody in that stadium, young or old — crank that, baby!

And then I remember: Oh right, they’re Republicans. Really devoted Republicans, in Minnesota. And what’s more shameful, I’m using them.

That’s right, I admit it, I have absolutely no interest in Mike Huckabee’s speech. I do want to see Sarah Palin, and I’m hoping to get a glimpse of the hot baby-daddy, but I don’t know whether I’ll be able to stay awake that long. My real agenda here is using the Republicans as a coolness crutch.

The really embarrassing thing is that I’m enjoying this more than most television shows I’ve watched lately. Tonight’s Project Runway, last night’s 90210, Monday’s Gossip Girl, Mad Men on Sunday: I love them, and yet they all make me feel old and ugly and fat and out of it.

Not the Republicans. Watching the Republicans makes me feel as stylish as Rachel Zoe, as hot as Gisele Bunchen, as cosmopolitan as Amy Sacco, as cutting edge as Amy Winehouse. And that’s just wrong. Delicious, but wrong.

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#118: Stop Talking About Menopause

There is a kind of girl who’s always liked to talk about her period: How she can’t wait to get it, when she’s having it, how bad her cramps are, where she buys her tampax, whether she’s late, how heavy her flow is, when it’s slowing down, and what it feels like when it stops all together.

And to all that I say: Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala. In other words, I don’t want to hear about it, okay? When did menstruation, or the lack thereof, get to be polite conversation? I guess around the time they started running ads for tampons on prime time TV. But to me it’s just, ew, gross.

What’s so interesting about menopause, anyway? What is this wisdom they keep talking about, this freedom, this huge change that demands hormones or maybe not hormones — sorry, I can’t keep track. The only thing more boring and unseemly than discussing getting your period is, it seems to me, discussing not getting your period.

Some of you might say my feeling on this issue is old, and that the modern stance is to be openly affirmational about the feminine circle of life. Well, I can get all woman-y with the best of them, girlfriend, but I still say keep the whole blood in your cooter thing to yourself.

On that note, I’ll change the subject to something younger: cool music. I have no idea what group or song this is, but the video got millions of views on YouTube and it features thematically-related red flags. At least I guarantee it will be more educational and entertaining than hearing about anyone’s adventures in menopause

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#117: Don’t Live in West Virginia

Oldest state: Florida, right? Not quite. While Florida may have the highest proportion of people over 65, according to census figures, the state with the oldest median age is West Virginia. Other states where the median age is at the top of the scale — over, yikes!, 38 — are Florida, Maine, and Pennsylvania, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. Utah has the youngest median age — 27, the only state where it’s under 30 — followed by Alaska and Texas.

Still, statistics are not what it’s all about when it comes to not living someplace old. More important than reality is the perception of the place. Therefore, if you live in New Jersey or Connecticut, move to New York. If you live in New York, move to Brooklyn. Leave your school-age-or-older kids behind in the suburbs, not because Brooklyn is a bad place for them, but because they’ll definitely compromise your image, age-wise. One photogenic toddler is acceptable.

Living in San Francisco, Seattle, Austin, or Portland, Oregon will also make you seem if not actually feel younger.

Avoid Buffalo, Omaha, and most places in between.

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