#82: Stop All That Moving Around

Fifties basketball star Dr. Sylvia Colston-Stills, 71, still shoots hoops every day.  Though she may hang up her hightops after reading this.

Fifties basketball star Dr. Sylvia Colston-Stills, 71, still shoots hoops every day. Though she may hang up her hightops after reading this.

Here’s a counterintuitive directive: If you want not to act old, you’ve got to knock off all that surfing, skating, basketball-playing and cardio-kickboxing you’ve evidently been doing. Lying on the couch, staying out of the gym, and sitting on the sidelines are the sports of the young, while middle-aged and older people are the ones who are joining ice hockey teams and wearing themselves out on elliptical trainers.

So says a new British study, which found that more and more middle-aged and older people are exercising and playing sports, while fewer young people are exercising than ten years ago. My scientific analysis: We’ve been doing all that kayaking and cycling in a misguided attempt to be thinner and more limber — aka, younger — and to stave off dying. The evil young, meanwhile, say, Ha! We’re thin and limber without even trying. And we know we’re never gonna die.

Well, ha back atcha, evil young. I now know there’s an infinitely easier and more effective way to act younger: sit on my big fat ass. So sayonara, Zumba. Bye-bye, Bikram. If I lounge here long enough, everybody’s going to think I’m 28 again.

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