#53: Don’t Fear The Teenager

Let’s face it: teenagers are frightening. They sleep till dark, wallow in filth, spend much of their time steeped in electronic violence and pornography, and the rest of their time getting high and squandering your money. They drive too fast, have irresponsible sex, take insanely dangerous risks, and scariest of all, are perversely adept at making us feel ancient.

If confronted by a teenager, try not to show your fear. Do not talk loudly in an artificially cheerful voice. Do not ask such inane questions as, “How’s school?” and “Where do you want to go to college?” Do not, for the love of God, attempt to “get down” with the teen by attempting to mimic adolescent slang or mannerisms.

Instead, back slowly away taking care to make no sudden noises. Open your wallet, and hand over two hundred thousand dollars to a college, any college, who will take the teen off your hands. With any luck, you’ll get your scary teenager back in four (or maybe five) years repackaged as an adult.

And to the teen readers of HNTAO (yes, incredibly enough, there are some): I’m watching you.


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3 responses to “#53: Don’t Fear The Teenager

  1. Lex

    *grins madly*

    But f’seriously, I do love reading your blog. I check it from my phone every night while I sabotage my attempt to fall asleep. Like right now.

    -A particularly scary (rawr!) one,

  2. Nancy

    the blog is well expressed but not positive: you’re painting a picture of the undesirable characteristics of a teenager brought up improperly. i think your teenager has succeeded in intimidating and by doing so has managed to get what she/he wants without having to work for it – not very sensible!
    being a parent for a teenager is not that traumatic:all you have to do is rewind the time when you were once one! your teenager will appreciate you for that as you might be surprised to learn that your youngsters are just too willing to learn about your past in their own terms.try it.

  3. Erin

    “Wallow in filth”? My favorite activity! There’s nothing like a good wallow, with a dash of delinquency on the side.

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